Three grades of panic attacks: three movie characters

People flip out when I say the words “panic attack,” but I want them to know that lately, they really have nothing to be afraid of. My panic attacks lately are minor––equivalent to anxiety attacks––but I still categorize them as panic attacks due to the way they’re triggered and because I always hyperventilate just a little bit during these moments.

Anyways, as I’ve navigated Panic Disorder over the last two years, I’ve discovered that not all panic attacks are created equal. I’ve had panic attacks that have lasted 10 minutes (e.g. all the ones I’ve had this past year), I’ve had some where I cried so hard I couldn’t breathe and felt dizzy––yet still calmed down relatively quickly––and I’ve had ones that have lasted an hour (the ones that sent me to the ER back in Feb./Mar. 2017). Although I still struggle with panic disorder, it’s pretty mild––I was panic attack free from February-May and only had one panic attack each month in June and July. None no far this month, which is good news.

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Something to keep in mind with those who struggle with anxiety: fears often appear real in their mind.

So, with this in mind, here are the three categories I’ve adopted for panic attacks and their characteristics:

  1. Mild: crying with a low level of hyperventilating (may or may not hold head in hands to avoid feeling shame), muscle tension/shakiness, running off emotions but still able to understand others’ words, does not lose touch with reality, some verbal communication, possible mild headaches from stress; recovers within 15 minutes. This is the most common level for people who have gone through therapy and is the stage my panic attacks fall into.
  2. Moderate: Hyperventilating becomes more severe and person starts having difficulty breathing, lightheadedness, immediate onset of muscle weakness, very tense muscles, can somewhat process what others are saying, possibly unable to speak, high levels of fear, starts becoming uncharacteristically angry, heart starts racing, nausea, cold sweats; recovers in less than 30 minutes. This is the most common level for people who have tried anxiety-management strategies, but don’t quite know how to use them yet.
  3. Severe: Worthy of sending someone to the ER. Vertigo (the person can barely walk), very tight chest/ inability to breathe (for the most part) due to tightness in throat, starts losing touch with reality/ feels like they’re losing control or going insane, no communication at all with anyone nearby, often repeats one phrase (“I can’t breathe,” or “help” are were common for me), heart races very quickly, wants to literally flee their environment and may resist help, possible self-harm behaviors. This is often the severity for those with PTSD, those with severe PD/agoraphobia (fear of being in places or situations that induce anxiety), and those with newly-discovered anxiety disorders. 

Reading about them is one thing, but what if we watched some movie clips with some of your favorite characters?

Mild: Elsa from Frozen

Elsa has anxiety? Why, yes––she often says, “Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know.” Feeling is what triggers her fears, as with any anxiety disorder. Those with an untrained eye would just think she’s really hurt––and while that’s true, those with the trained eye know exactly what she struggles with. Elsa acts pretty normal before Anna gets there, but the anxiety comes after Anna mentions what happened in Arendelle, Elsa starts holding her head, can still listen to Anna yet is still concentrating on her fear, has a bit of panic in her eyes, and starts to focus on her emotions that just upgraded in intensity. She’s not at the point of crying yet, but she seems to have mild hyperventilating from her fear and inability to control the situation. As you can see, she’s still functional, but her fears are starting to get the best of her.

Moderate: Jessie from Toy Story 2

Those who don’t have anxiety may just think Jessie is overreacting to a bad memory. While that’s true, I think she’s experiencing a moderate panic attack. She’s hyperventilating to the point where it looks like she can’t breathe (she’s holding her hand over her chest, which is a pretty good sign), her heart is most likely racing, she gets antsy and shakes people, is teary-eyed, and her eyes scream “fear.” Also, it seems like she’s not really listening to Woody or Stinky Pete because she’s stuck in that memory of being inside a box (perfectly understandable, though).

3. Katniss from the Hunger Games: Catching Fire

Katniss is so strong, right? Well, maybe not. She’s human, and she’s having devastating flashbacks that draw her into a place of severe panic. If you don’t believe me, just skip halfway through this video and watch the clip. You’ll see what I mean. Anyways, after she shoots the guy with her arrow, Katniss literally starts losing touch with reality because of a flashback. She literally can’t listen to those who try to calm her down because she’s just that panicked. She’s clearly hyperventilating and distressed, and she’s not communicating in any way. If this were real life, she’d probably run away from Gale at that point, or Gale would take her to the ER.

So, as you can see, some panic attacks really aren’t that bad. Most people with PD or PTSD will use that term as a synonym for a general “anxiety attack,” but it’s often that people with Social Anxiety Disorder, GAD, or OCD will use those because their disorders work slightly differently.  All in all, panic attacks are characterized by the feeling of panic in some way, whether that’s mild, moderate, or severe.

Demystifying anxiety

I write this blog for one of two reasons: 1. To help others with mental/physical illnesses understand more about their condition(s) and 2. To help those who don’t know much about mental/physical illnesses, or for those who wish to help someone they know with a specific condition. This post falls in the latter category––I want to break anxiety down into simpler terms for those who don’t struggle with it and are willing to understand more about it.

Myths vs. facts

First, we’re all socialized to believe certain things, and mental illness is no exception, according to Psychology Today. Due to your own life experiences or things other people have said, you probably have some misconceptions (negative stigma) about anxiety.

Here’s an infographic from the ADAA with myths and corrections. Feel free to put this on your phone or print it out for future reference. Pay particular attention to the third one; I’ve had several people tell me that I can’t possibly handle high-stress situations due to my anxiety. They’re wrong, and this infographic contains the correct answer. Plus, dealing with stressful situations isn’t one of my triggers––unless we’re talking about academic assignments––because I have performance anxiety (which is actually minor now that I’ve worked through my fear of imperfection).

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What myths have you believed?

Also note the final myth here. I actually haven’t really had a problem with people being too encouraging; on the other hand, I’ve had people say things that are too harsh. You need to have a balanced response. Give some tough love, but in a respectful way. An example of this is, “I get you’re feeling upset about making mistakes at work, but have you told your manager ways they can help you?” As the previous answer states, you DO need to face your fears and stop avoiding situations that make you fearful. Personally, I take a step forward and back in this area––I don’t avoid people or situations that make me anxious, but sometimes I do have minor panic attacks if I still feel like I’m not doing something well enough or am not “good enough” for someone.

Now that you’ve taken a look at some of these truths vs. myths, let’s look at what goes on in the mind of someone with anxiety.

The anxiety cycle

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A basic example of an anxiety cycle.

This isn’t the most comprehensive diagram, but it will suffice. My therapist often gave me a diagram just like this, but blank, so I could fill in my own thoughts, triggers, feelings, and behaviors. As you can see, the majority of anxiety and panic attacks start with a trigger (AKA a fear), which leads to a thought, then intense feelings, and behaviors that result from those thoughts and feelings. Most people have what’s called “the critic” in their head, according to Anne-Marie Hearne. This is a voice that tells you everything that’s wrong with you as a person––your flaws and insecurities. I’ve been working on shutting mine off throughout this year.

As I filled out this diagram with my third therapist last fall, I realized that you can often change this cycle around. Let’s look at my performance anxiety as an example.

  1. Thought: I always screw things up.  Feeling: I feel like a failure.  Behavior: Staying silent when someone tries to comfort me.
  2.  Feeling: I feel upset because I messed something up again.  Thought: I’ll never do anything right.  Behavior: retreating to my room and feeling down about myself.
  3.  Behavior: Beating myself up for a mistake I made.  Thought:  Will I ever make anyone happy?  Feeling: I’m worthless.
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This is a great infographic about physical signs of anxiety!

Clearly, this cycle has nuances, so if you can identify someone’s thoughts, feelings, or behaviors, you can probably get to the root of their anxiety. Try asking some of these questions if you’re unsure about how to help someone, according to WebMD.

  • How often do you feel this way/ how many times have you gone through something like this?
  • What happened that made you feel this way?
  • What did you think would happen?

You can also say some of things things from Health Central.

  • Your fears are understandable (so, validating their emotions).
  • I am here to support you.
  • How can I help you?
  • Everything will get better––you can get through this, it’s okay.
  • What strategies help best when you feel anxious? (This can also help them resource their anxiety-management strategies if they’re not actively using them).
  • We can get through this together.

Looking at the responses above, the best things you can do are A) provide support B) stay with the person and C) offer solidarity. There are definitely some things you want to avoid (check out the post I previously wrote about that here), but I’ll revisit some of them.

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So accurate. Not even an understatement.

Things to AVOID doing:

  • Invalidating their feelings. Regardless of whether or not you agree with the person’s feelings, they need your support. Since anxiety happens when someone’s flight or fight system isn’t working properly, their emotions are heightened during anxiety/panic attacks. Therefore, invalidating their emotions will only make them defensive and feel like you’re not listening. I understand many people think they’re helping by saying things like, “You really need to get over your fears,” but wait until after the person calms down. This way, their rational thinking returns, and they most likely won’t be on guard.
  • Trying to make them talk too soon. Anxiety and panic attacks come with many physical symptoms, according to Health Guide: shortness of breath, hyperventilating, irritability, difficulty concentrating, feelings of dread, dizziness, muscle tension, headaches, sweating, and a pounding heart. Clearly, they’re a bit unstable at this point. Trying to make someone talk when they’re experiencing these things doesn’t really work because they can’t speak very well; it’s difficult to understand someone when they’re blubbering and hyperventilating. Wait until they feel better––it usually only takes probably about 10 minutes or so. It’ll feel like a long time, but in the grand scheme of things, it’s not too long.
  • Attacking them I don’t really even need to explain this one. The moment you make someone feel ashamed about their anxiety, they won’t trust you, and they’ll stand up for themselves because they’re used to others being judgmental towards them. You may not personally struggle with it, or you may think they’re being irrational, but at least try to see things from their perspective if you really care about them. If nothing else, go find someone else who you think can really help them.

While I’m thinking about it, asking someone to write down or draw out their feelings during anxious moments will help tremendously! This way, you’re not frustrated about their lack of communication, and they don’t feel pressured to physically vocalize their feelings. It’s a win-win.

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A good example of writing out feelings.

Types of anxiety and triggers

Anxiety is not a cookie-cutter condition. Just like there are many varieties of cakes, there are also many varieties of anxiety. Most people think all anxiety is Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), where people feel anxious about pretty much everything––and although GAD is common, a lot of anxiety sufferers only feel anxious when their specific fears are triggered.

Here are some different types (from the US Dept. of Health and Human Services):

  • Generalized Anxiety Disorder––characterized by chronic anxiety, even when there’s really no cause for it.
  • Panic Disorder (which I have)––characterized by repeated episodes of intense fear, accompanied by physical symptoms.
  • OCD––characterized by intense thoughts and/or repetitive behaviors (a compulsion to do or feel something).
  • Social Anxiety––overwhelming anxiety and excessive self-consciousness in social situations
  • PTSD––develops after exposure to a traumatic event.

So, you see, it’s hard to understand anxiety until you know about these different disorders. Someone could be anxious about the need to wash their hands all the time. Others may be afraid of talking to others and become mute. Some may feel anxious anywhere they go. Others may feel anxious when they’re in a situation that reminds them of the abuse they faced as a child (emotional or physical). Some may be anxious only when it comes to work or school performance (ergo, me). Everyone’s different.

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This quote is spot-on.

Ultimately, anything can become a trigger, but these are some common ones (from Healthline).

  1. Health issues
  2. Medications
  3. Caffeine (this may work differently for those who have ADHD, like me. It actually helps my anxiety).
  4. Skipping meals
  5. Negative thinking
  6. Financial concerns
  7. Parties/social events
  8. Conflict
  9. Public events or performances
  10. Personal triggers––traumatic events, songs, places, or anything that reminds you of a bad memory.

I personally can check off the following: health issues, skipping meals, negative thinking, finances, conflict, performance situations, and bad memories.

Here’s how those play out in my personal life.

When my gastritis/GERD were at their worst, I became incredibly anxious (with severe panic attacks every-other-day) because I was almost at the point where I needed to be fed with an IV tube because I literally couldn’t eat anything without being in tremendous pain.

I become anxious when I skip meals because I’m hypoglycemic, so I already need to eat something every couple of hours. If I don’t, I become incredibly tired and don’t have the energy I need to push through the day.

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How low blood sugar affects anxiety

I’m notorious for negative thinking, and this makes me anxious because those thoughts plague me all day. It’s like a mixtape in my head that never shuts off, and it makes me feel physically exhausted. That’s why it’s so important for me to process negative thoughts.

Regarding finances, this isn’t normally a trigger for me, but it can be because I’m often compelled to work over 30 hours a week to pay off my student loans.

I recently discovered that conflict is a MAJOR trigger for me. I generally don’t experience conflict because I’m an easygoing person, but I do occasionally. I recently went through a conflict, where I felt like I wasn’t being listened to and wasn’t given grace for my mistakes. Instead of dealing with it immediately, I decided to ignore it and hoped it would become better. That didn’t happen. Instead, I became frustrated and everything blew up in my face. Lesson learned: deal with the issue before you become frustrated and, in turn, make someone else feel frustrated toward you.

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I tend to overthink many things…

Performance is a bit different for me––I explained my triggers earlier, so I won’t rehash them here.

Lastly, personal triggers. Mine come from bad memories––specifically when I was bullied in high school and when I experienced several rejections from the campus newspaper and magazine in college, despite my professors telling me I was a talented writer. Due to these experiences, I often get flashbacks when people tell me I always make mistakes, hold my mistakes against me, or say that I’ll never be good enough to do “x thing.” It’s similar to PTSD, but not as severe.

Why people with anxiety feel emotions so intensely

It’s no surprise that mainly feelers struggle with anxiety. After all, if thoughts and emotions usually cause the physical manifestations, then it makes sense. Thinkers don’t generally struggle with it as much because they’re very rational and don’t rely on their emotions too often––strong emotions are generally uncomfortable for them. Feelers, on the other hand, trust their emotions and often physically feel them. Those who internalize these emotions: they’re called empaths.

Healthy Place provides an excellent definition of an empath:

Empaths are individuals who are unconsciously affected by other people’s moods, desires, thoughts, and energies. They can, literally, feel the emotions of others in their bodies and attempt to carry these emotions on their shoulders without ever being asked. It’s for this reason that there are often anxious empaths.

I literally feel other people’s emotions (which is why I can become upset with people who try to lie to me about their emotions, especially their emotions toward me) and, as a result, feel emotions very intensely. That’s how I developed gastritis: my body literally internalized stress to the point where I eroded my stomach and esophagus.

Anyways, I’m an INFJ––with 80 percent feeling––AND an empath. That’s a perfect combination for an anxiety disorder, unfortunately. So, because I feel things so intensely, any “overwhelming” feelings (grief, frustration, stress) impact me severely to the point where I can emotionally overload and shut down. After anxiety attacks, I often feel “numb” because I’m that spent. Also, I know exactly how other people feel about me just by taking in their tone of voice, facial expression, and body language. They don’t even have to say anything––I just know because I can feel it. Therefore, I hate it when people lie to me about the way they feel, especially if they have a problem with me.

So, taking this all into account, this is something to look for in those who struggle with anxiety. Find out what their Myers-Briggs is and if they’re an empath. Then you’ll understand why they feel the way they do and see that their problem isn’t really that big, but it seems big to them because of the emotions they’re feeling.

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Feelers, well, feel a lot.

Feeling-type personalities may also be Highly Sensitive People (HSPs), so they are very sensitive and dealing with unmanaged emotions wears them out. Although they can find ways to feel less sensitive, they’re still probably more sensitive than the average person, myself included. Therefore, if you think someone is overly sensitive, just work with them and try to find less-harmful words or phrases.

According to Managing Anxiety and Stress by James Archer, feelers often manage their anxiety best by talking about their feelings with others, feeling understood by others, and by expressing their feelings. This is especially important for HSPs, who can easily become overwhelmed if they bottle up pain or hard emotions inside them and then let them all out in frustration or anger. If you want to learn more about this from a Christian perspective, I suggest reading The Gifting of Highly Sensitive Burden Bearers .

On that note, I want you to know that being an HSP isn’t a bad thing––I believe God created these people to become counselors, psychologists, teachers, as well as fulfill other roles that require emotional sensitivity. However, left unmanaged, it can become destructive. I’ve become aware of this, but I’m also not perfect. I try not to overreact, but I will become upset if someone I trust/respect hurts me. All that to say, if you encounter an HSP, don’t chastise them for being sensitive. That’s discrediting who God created them as. What you can do is say, “Hey, I didn’t mean to offend you. I’m sorry. What’s another way I could say [fill in the blank] so your feelings don’t get hurt?”

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I decode people more often through nonverbal cues than what they actually say.

Bottom line

I get it; anxiety is a difficult territory to navigate. It’s frustrating for those who don’t personally deal with it, and it comes with lots of complications. However, once you finally understand how someone experiences anxiety and what their triggers are, everything will become more manageable.

Spend more time with that person and really get to know what makes them tick, whether that’s over coffee, just hanging out, or going on a walk together. You might be surprised at what you find out. Specifically ask them what their childhood was like, what their fears are, and significant events that have shaped their life. Knowing all this information will help you “decode” that person. In addition, ask them what their personality type is. I always try to figure out a person’s Myers-Briggs personality type because it helps me understand them better.

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Get to know someone by taking them out to coffee.

According to the ADAA, 18.1 percent of adults struggle with anxiety. In a room with 22 people, that’s approximately four. It breaks down differently between each disorder:

  • GAD: 3.1 percent, 6.8 million people.
  • PD: 2.7, 6 m.
  • Soc. AD: 6.8, 15 m.
  • OCD: 1, 2.2m.
  • PTSD: 3.5, 7.7
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It’s more common than you think.

Furthermore, chances are you’re a college student or know someone who is. Want to know how many college students struggle with anxiety disorders? 1 in 5, according to The Conversation. That’s 20 percent. Yikes. According to Time Magazine, a record number of college students are seeking counseling, and schools can’t keep up with the demand. So, I hope this post helps some of you understand what it is you’re feeling.

Taking these statistics into account, anxiety disorders are probably more common than you originally thought. I hope this post has opened your eyes to the breadth and depth of anxiety, but also given you some clarification. If you have any questions, feel free to ask away in the comments.

You are MORE: You’ve been remade

I’ve always been a big Tenth Avenue North fan, but I haven’t listened to one of their songs in a while––You are More––and, wow, I’m blown away by how much I identify with the girl in this song. Like the girl, I feel like I can’t hide my shame because it seems like that’s all people see. It doesn’t matter how kind, patient, hard-working, or loyal I am. The moment I mess up, or the moment I tell them I have an anxiety disorder, all I am is trash to them. They don’t want anything to do with damaged goods.

Just as the girl wonders, I constantly think about how I drifted away from the free-spirited person I once was. Until last month, the fear of being unloved also crippled me, to the point where I would think something was wrong with me as a person if I couldn’t please someone.

But…

I often forget who I really am––a child of Christ––and what was done for me. Because Christ has come, I don’t have to worry about my flaws. Through his power, I can do what he has equipped me to accomplish, and he can make a beauty out of my mess. As the song says, it’s about where our brokenness brings us to. Since I have Christ in me, I can forgive those who have made incorrect assumptions about me and still love them, even though it’s hard.

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This is such a beautiful reminder that we ARE because God IS. 

In addition, the girl in the song seems like she was a church kid because she “knows all the answers” and tries to believe what others have told her is true. Similarly, I know all I should care about is how God thinks of me––but God also created us for community, and it’s so difficult to live life with other people who only see a false version of you instead of your true self. Like this girl, I also have rehearsed several lines. When people ask me how I hold my life together, I often say, “Oh, I just trust that God has my back because he’s faithful.” And it’s not that I don’t believe it, but I have to hold a death grip on that truth when I’m going through difficult things because my mind tells me to just give up. Just like that girl, I often become too weak to stand back up when I fall.

I actually took a screenshot of the music video for this song, which features a chalkboard full of lies in the background. Here it is (watch the video for a closer look at all the phrases).

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Look at some of those words and phrases: How can I change? Shame. Does anyone care? OCD controls me. Why do I feel so lost? Can anyone hear me? No one notices me. It’s hard to forgive and forget. Suicide? Insecurities. Afraid of letting people down. Not good enough.

We are MORE than poor decisions. We are MORE than the mistakes we made––and that includes unintentional mistakes, which I make a lot of since I have ADHD. Since I’m so right-brained, I think about things in a very different way than most people, and I generally need something explained in a specific way for it to stick in my mind. Otherwise, I need reminders. Some people just don’t get that, and they don’t have the patience to deal with my stupidity––but I know God is still proud of my hard work. We’re MORE than the problems we create.

Friends, I know life is tough, and I don’t have all the answers. However, I hope you can find some encouragement in what I shared and within these lyrics.

Here are the lyrics:

There’s a girl in the corner with tear stains on her eyes
From the places she’s wandered and the shame she can’t hide
She says, “How did I get here? I’m not who I once was,
and I’m crippled by the fear that I’ve fallen too far to love.”

But don’t you know who you are
What has been done for you
Don’t you know who you are

You are more than the choices that you’ve made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You’ve been remade

Well she tries to believe it that she’s been given new life
But she can’t shake the feeling that it’s not true tonight
She knows all the answers and she’s rehearsed all the lines
So she’ll try to do better but then she’s too weak to try

‘Cause this is not about what you’ve done
But what’s been done for you
This is not about where you’ve been
But where your brokenness brings you to
This is not about what you feel but what He felt to forgive you
And what He felt to make you new

Here’s why I (almost) gave up swimming for a month

You know that “If you really knew me” game? Anytime someone asks me for my answer, I always reply with, “I LOVE swimming.” That’s not even putting it lightly. Literally, I live and breathe water. I’m pretty much like Ariel (well, before she wanted fins, anyway). Or maybe a fish is a better comparison.

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This is a photo from the day my doctor let me go back to swimming last year!

Anyways, the last time I gave up swimming for an extended period of time was last year, from mid-February to mid-June, because my doctor told me I couldn’t lose more weight  (I was 92 pounds because I lost so much weight from gastritis).

However, ever since my doctor gave me the okay last summer, I’ve pretty much swum two hours a day because I missed swimming so much. I’m training for open water events, but swimming is also my stress and anxiety reliever. Plus, it helps calm my hyperactive mind down because I have ADHD.

What I’m about to write might shock those of you who know me well: I’ve nearly given up swimming for the last month––and here’s why. First, when I switched departments here at camp, it made me miss lifeguarding more. Second, in light of that painful situation, I realized I primarily sought peace in swimming. Yes, I did trust God for peace––but after swimming. I thought that slicing my arms through the water would always help me feel better.

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I miss lifeguarding, but I’m returning to the Biola pool again soon!

Before all the hard stuff I dealt with last month, I worked my way up to swimming two or three times a day––which isn’t bad if you’re an Olympic swimmer. Although I’ve been training for a while, I’m not one of them, and I’m working eight hours a day. I also haven’t slept well lately, so I’m even more tired than the average person.

Over the past month, I’ve swum probably two hours a week––a dramatic contrast. How has that affected my life?

It’s been hard, but it’s also been beneficial.

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This is how happy I’ve been lately! Stark contrast from earlier this summer. 

At first, I became anxious about the fact that I wasn’t swimming––I didn’t want to backtrack in my training, and I didn’t want to become anxious because I wasn’t swimming. After the second week, however, I noticed a change. I actually enjoyed my swim time instead of pushing through muscle fatigue. I started valuing downtime and rest more. If I didn’t feel like getting up to swim a certain day, I just slept later that morning. I made time for activities that bring me joy that aren’t physically tiring: painting and playing music. I made more time for friends instead of hogging it for my swimming time. Sadly, I would do that: put swimming before relationships.

If you’ve kept up with my writing, you know my three words for this year are rest, revitalization, and relationships. By giving up swimming, I realized I needed more emotional rest and time for relationships. Furthermore, I have grown as a person because I realized I need to trust God for peace instead of trying to find it myself.

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I’ve met some AMAZING people this summer!

Within the last week or so, my mind has felt quieter––which isn’t too common for an introvert with ADHD and anxiety. I’ve felt less anxious, and I’ve smiled! Literally, people in the dining hall and my coworkers constantly tell me that my smile brightens their day. I’ve finally found peace, and I’ll cling to it.

Will I return to the hard training regimen I’ve adopted for the past year? Yes and no. I’ll still swim every day, but I won’t push my limits. I’ll stick to a training schedule, but I won’t swim extra on hard days. Instead, I’ll pick up a journal, process by myself (see picture below) and with friends, and spend time with the Lord.

 

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Here’s a peace-building journal exercise I did last month.

It is PUBLISHED

Readers, my book is finally on the market! I’m so excited this day finally came, and I hope all of you grab a copy in some form––ebook, paperback, or hardcover. If you’re short on cash or prefer a digital version, good news. The ebook is only 3.99.

This book contains the story of the health journey I went through over the last two years––which is where this blog came out of––and how I overcame a few significant issues: stress, anxiety, depression, suicide, gastritis, GERD, and nutritional deficiencies (B12 and magnesium).

I hope this book inspires you and helps you overcome the physical or mental health crises you or a loved one are facing. Please share my book with everyone you know and review it after you have read it!

Click this link to find it on Amazon.

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It’s published! 

The final link: how ADHD causes anxiety

After working with three therapists and ending my sessions in December 2017, I thought I finally had my Panic Disorder all figured out. Turns out I was wrong––because I only discovered I had ADHD at the end of September, I didn’t really work through that with my therapists because my main focus was my Panic Disorder. Guess I should’ve brought that up because it would have made a difference. I recently wrote a post about how ADHD causes anxiety, but I’ll go a bit more in-depth here. I only discovered this connection about a couple of weeks ago, and I’m so glad I did because it has helped me feel tremendously more at peace.

So, how exactly does ADHD cause anxiety? Well, the problem with having ADHD is you will never. Ever. Ever…be perfect. No matter how hard you try. It’s because our minds are wired in a way that’s completely different from the majority of society. As a result, we’re highly innovative, insightful, and creative––but our weaknesses shadow those positive traits. According to Unpacking ADHD, people often say these things about those who suffer with it: we’re lazy, forgetful, need to try harder, or don’t care enough. Furthermore, Dr. Ferrari states that people also will often call us oversensitive, emotional, and say we often jump to conclusions too quickly.

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Is being sensitive really that bad?

Upon further research that stemmed from my intuition, I realized that the inattentive part of ADHD may actually result from being very right-brained, which means our left-brain functions are weaker than the average person. According to Simply Well Being, people with ADHD struggle with certain detail-oriented tasks (generally not those that require creativity, such as painting and playing music, but rather tasks like math), reflecting/analyzing/organizing, being consistent, and focusing on one thing instead of multiple things.  But that still probably doesn’t answer your question: why do people with ADHD excel more in “right-brained” functions?

It’s most likely due to a dopamine imbalance. Healthline reports that low levels of dopamine in the left region of the brain could be one of the causes of ADHD. If you’ve read my book or previous blog posts, you know that dopamine is responsible for working memory, information retention, pleasure, focus, motivation, energy, social interaction, and creativity.

As you can see, dopamine is responsible for a lot. That’s why it’s incredibly important to get medication if you think you have a dopamine imbalance––and remember to take it (silly me forgets a lot due to my ADHD). That’s one of the problems of having ADHD, actually: forgetting to take your meds. Other neurotransmitters––serotonin and norepinephrine––also overlap with dopamine and are responsible for similar functions, such as mood. Here’s a Venn diagram that displays the connection between these three.

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These neurotransmitters have slightly specific functions, but they all overlap at some point.

 

Anyways, how does this interact with anxiety? If you’re not sleeping well, not retaining information well, not feeling well and avoiding people because of it, and not remembering things well, that can result in a TON of performance anxiety (atelophobia). The more you forget things, have difficulty processing things, have a lack of energy, and feel like being alone all the time, the more you will become emotionally overwhelmed, exhausted, and feel like a failure.

Since people with ADHD are also incredibly sensitive empaths (Highly Sensitive People), we tend to catastrophize disagreements and others’ impressions of us. Someone simply not liking our personality turns into others not liking us, which creates anxiety about that conflict. Someone even saying “I’m disappointed in you” is earth-shattering, and that’s why it’s important to let supervisors know, ‘Hey, I’m highly sensitive. I know you might be harder on other employees, but I need to receive corrections with a softer tone so my emotions don’t go haywire.” I learned that lesson hard this summer after working with two leaders that were the exact opposite: very strong and not emotionally sensitive people, so they didn’t understand the burden I dealt with every day. However, I know that was partially my fault. I never let them know that I had a medical reason for having emotional breakdowns if I received too many corrections in a day. Now I know what to do for next time so I don’t have to switch departments at another job.

Actually, there’s a medical term for this: rejection-sensitive dysphoria. Here’s a quote about what that feels like from an ADDitude Magazine article:

“I’m always tense. I can never relax. I can’t just sit there and watch a TV program with the rest of the family. I can’t turn my brain and body off to go to sleep at night. Because I’m sensitive to my perception that other people disapprove of me, I am fearful in personal interactions.”

According to the article, a fear of failure is catastrophic for people with this condition––and that’s why we take corrections at work so personally. We’re just super sensitive, and that’s how God created us. However, some leaders won’t budge. They’ll just say, “Oh, that’s my management style. I’m not going to change it for you.” If you hear that, just do me a favor and quit that job. It’s not worth the misery. I even challenged a leader on this issue, and I wasn’t afraid to do so. I don’t usually challenge authority, but I felt like I wasn’t being listened to, so I spoke up. Don’t let people put you down for having feelings.

The best bosses and leaders I’ve ever worked with get to know each member of their team individually and cater their leadership style towards them. This is also known as “self-awareness,” or the ability to understand how your actions affect those on your team, according to Catering Institute. No, they won’t change it for people who can adapt to it, but for those who can’t, they’ll take a slightly different approach.  That’s how you know you have a leader who cares. Some of the professors I’ve had at Biola use that approach as well, so I know it’s not a task too difficult to ask for. Working with leaders who aren’t self-aware makes me super anxious because I’m always worried about impressing them, but they’re never impressed with me anyways because I’m a failure in their eyes, so it creates this incredibly violent cycle that only ends with self-hatred or self-harm. That’s why it’s important to find a safe work environment: so you don’t harm your emotional and physical health in the process.

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Found this nice infographic about self-awareness that can help leaders improve upon that trait.

Now, taking this all into account, it seems that the majority of the ADHD/anxiety relationship comes from an overcompensation of imperfections. We don’t think logically, but we understand figurative meanings and can read between the lines exceptionally. We’re flexible people and adapt many approaches for the same task. We’re profoundly intuitive and creative. Our mysteriousness stumps so many people that they become frustrated with us, and we internalize their response towards us, unfortunately.

In addition, anxiety can also result from conflict with people due to our highly sensitive nature. We’re so empathetic that we take facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice into account when we converse with someone, which is how we know how they feel about us. I’ve had people tell me point-blank, “No, of course I like you,” but all these non-verbal cues scream, “I’m only putting up with you because I have to.”

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The definition of an empath in five points.

I hope all the information I presented here helps you in some way, whether you’re primarily inattentive, hyperactive, or a combined-presence type (which is me). Hopefully, this knowledge will help you work through anxiety and live a healthier life.

Psalm 34: learning to give up control

Throughout my college years at Biola––even during my first semester as a grad student  at Talbot this spring––I’ve struggled with a fear of losing control, which is one of my anxiety triggers I’m still working through. Thankfully, I just got over my fear of never measuring up (atelophobia), which actually came from my ADHD. Regardless, I’m also still working through my third and final trigger: conflict. I get anxious when other people don’t like me––for no apparent fault of my own––and still dislike me when I try to make things right. I guess that just goes to show that you also can’t control other people. Anyways, I’ve been reading through Psalm 34 in my morning devotional time, and it’s really spoken to me because it reminds us about how God is in control, even when difficult things happen in our lives.

Fear the Lord, you his holy people,
for those who fear him lack nothing.

-Psalm 34:9

Depending on your theological view, this verse could apply only to traditional Israel, or also to the church today. I believe in the latter and feel that, since Jesus’ inaugurated kingdom includes Gentile believers (those who are not Jews), we are still God’s holy people. The psalmist reminds us that God is our provider and gives us everything we need. He is ultimately in control over everything and knows what’s best for us, even when we think we know what’s best. That’s a difficult statement to swallow at times, but the more you realize this, the easier trusting God becomes.

Turn from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.

-Psalm 34:14

It’s unclear what evil specifically refers to here, but I’ll relate this to my fear of interpersonal conflicts. It’s so easy to lash out at people who hurt us, especially when they make incorrect assumptions about us, but we are called to be peacemakers. Even if someone deserves revenge or a snippy response for the ways they hurt us, we should try to make amends. Even if we forgive someone, however, they may not reciprocate––but as long as you seek peace, you have done your part and can walk away knowing that you cannot control their response or behavior.

The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

-Psalm 34:17-18

These two verses are the ones I’ve read over continually this past week. Just as God delivered the Israelites from trouble––especially in the book of Judges––he still rescues us from disasters today if we find refuge in him and recognize that his hand is over us. Now, this peace may not come immediately because we live in a world with evil, but peace will eventually come. God also doesn’t always act immediately because we would abuse his trust, so patience is key here. Having patience is the opposite of needing to have control: it’s knowing that you have to wait for things to work out instead of forcing them to work out.

Secondly, God knows how we feel. His son endured many of the same sufferings we did––including a small feeling of loss of control when he died on the cross as he recited part of Psalm 22 (” My God, why have you forsaken me?”). He is a good Father and is by our side, even when we feel deserted. Remembering this helps me feel better about not having control because I can have confidence that I can find God’s peace if I do not let chaos control my life.

The Lord will rescue his servants;
no one who takes refuge in him will be condemned.

-Psalm 34:22

Lastly, God is there for us when we face situations beyond our control. I recently dealt with a ministry situation where I disagreed with someone, and I felt like my character was attacked. For a while, I wondered if something was wrong with me, but after talking to other trusted leaders, I realized that I received condemnation for reasons beyond my control. I couldn’t control what the other person thought, but I could control my response. So, I forgave that person and realized that God had my back. At first, I panicked because I thought I was losing sight of myself, but then I understood that the less I dwelled on the situation, the more I felt at peace. The more I stopped living in the past or future, the more contentment I experienced.

Learning how to refrain from controlling every last aspect of our lives is difficult for anyone with anxiety––especially those of us who are perfectionists. It takes time, patience, and effort, but peace will come eventually because the light always overcomes the darkness.

ADHD, anxiety, and depression: the deadly triangle

I first found out I had combination-type ADHD in September 2017 after I saw a psychiatrist for the first time. At the time, I didn’t realize how that affected the rest of my mental health conditions, but I do now. I originally thought all my anxiety attacks resulted only from performance anxiety (atelophobia)––which I recently broke my fear of––but upon further observations, my obsession with perfectionism is rooted in my ADHD. How does that work? My memory is a bit faulty due to my ADHD––I’ll remember two different things and blend them together, I’ll remember parts of something and not the whole, or I’ll think I know something when I really don’t. I’ve tried to explain this problem to others––including supervisors at work––and they don’t seem to get it. They think I’m purposefully forgetful and tell me to ask clarifying questions, but the problem is I don’t even realize I remembered something incorrectly until I received a correction about it.

This is where the perfectionism comes in. I frequently mess things up and become a burden for others, so I try to rectify that with perfectionism. However, it seems like my efforts to make things right don’t work out half the time, which leads to depression. I become depressed because I feel like a big mistake. Remember the story of the ugly duckling? I feel like that duckling. There are all these pretty ducks around me in the world, and I’m that stupid runt of a duck that nobody cares about. I’m unintentionally a complete ditz at times, which makes some people completely frustrated if they don’t have the patience to deal with the inattentive side of my ADHD.

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What I feel like sometimes.

This leads to further depression about the way God created me: How can I ever be a great employee if I constantly make mistakes, even though I do learn from them? How can I lovingly disagree with others when they try to form explanations about me because they don’t understand the way my mind works? How can I balance the desire to do things correctly with the fact that I can almost never do things right?

Then, anxiety kicks up. I get so anxious about being a screwup that I actually do mess things up. I avoid people because I think they hate me for burdening them. I get anxious because I know God doesn’t create junk, yet I feel like junk. I get anxious about the fact that I try my hardest, yet it’s not good enough for some people.

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A great infographic that explains the link between anxiety and ADHD.

Now that I know this cycle occurs, I’m trying to banish my perfectionism and develop ADHD management strategies. My anxiety levels have been minimal for this entire year because my three therapists and I have brainstormed anxiety management strategies, which I have stuck with. However, I didn’t realize my ADHD was a trigger until this past month, so we didn’t think of any strategies for that. Over the next two weeks, before the school semester starts and I have four jobs, I’m going to figure out ways I can let others know about the issues ADHD causes and the ways I plan to combat them.

If I can stop this cycle, I’ll hopefully become less anxious. If I can learn to accept me for who I am––despite my faults––I’ll hopefully develop more self-confidence and get rid of those depressive moments (I have Seasonal Affective Disorder, so I don’t generally deal with depression year-round and only have episodes every so often if things go south). My goal for the next month is to continue figuring out how all my medical conditions coexist with each other and develop an action plan that targets all three.

Have any questions or deal with a similar problem? Feel free to email me or mention it in the comments. Thanks, readers!

Take me or leave me

My biggest fear since I started college has been disappointing both myself and others. However, over the past couple of weeks, I have endured a rough situation that has helped me overcome that fear. As a kid, I was a rare breed: I loved second-hand dolls and stuffed animals better than the newest Polly Pockets or Beanie Babies––but why? A bear with a missing eye, torn nose, and patched limbs meant someone loved it enough to see past its missing parts or deformities. Throughout my life, I’ve felt like one of these bears: someone loves me, and the minute they discover my flaws, they stop loving me. In contrast, I love others the same way I loved my secondhand stuffed animals––I care for them, flaws and all.

Lately, I have realized that those who truly love you will stick by your side. The greatest friends aren’t afraid to tell you what you need to hear, but they also won’t abandon you after they discover your shortcomings. For instance, I’ve met some people who have no issues with me––until they find out I struggle with anxiety. After that, all hope is lost. All they see me as is an anxious person that they can’t trust with significant responsibilities because I might become too overwhelmed. However, that’s generally not true, which leads me to another observation. People who truly love you know who you really are. They know what makes you happy, upset, sad, and angry. As a result, they also know how to encourage and comfort you through sticky situations with a mix of tough love and tender care.

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Your best friends will have your back.

These observations helped me become less anxious about falling short in certain areas, but how did I finally overcome my fear of never being good enough for both myself and others?

Here’s how. On Friday, I had a conversation with my RD that gave me a new perspective. After telling her about all the things people said about me, she asked me, “Well, that’s what others think about you––but did you ask God if those things were true?” After pondering her question for a while, I realized they weren’t––but I believed the things these people told me because I trusted them. Even so, I couldn’t reconcile how someone I trust could tell me things I knew God didn’t agree with. That’s when I realized that even people whom we trust will misunderstand us or try to change us.

As a result of this conversation, I’ve developed a new outlook in regards to my fear: people can take me or leave me, but not change me.  I no longer care about disappointing other people because I know I always try my best at what I do, and despite this, I will still make mistakes. For instance, due to my ADHD, I often have memory lapses or mix up information. My friends and family who truly support me know this fact and will try to accommodate my learning disability. Those who don’t, on the other hand, will become frustrated and blame me for intentionally screwing things up.

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And here’s all the things that are wrong with me. Wow. Combination type ADHD is a struggle. I don’t have all of these symptoms, but I do display many of them.

I’ve realized that God knows my heart. He knows I would never intentionally complete tasks with subpar effort, and he knows that I try my best to overcome both my ADHD and anxiety. He also knows I’ve come such a long way in both areas, and I’m still learning about myself. In addition, God created me as a softspoken, empathic person so I could reach others as a future counselor and worship pastor, but also as just a close friend. I refuse to let people tell me that I become too emotional about things or that I need to become more extroverted. People can take me as I am, or they can find someone “better.”

Everyone has a subjective opinion, and I’m tired of believing lies about myself. I’m not afraid to call out my close friends if they start saying lies about me that don’t correlate with what I know God says about me. On a similar note, I’m also not afraid to confess my mistakes and try to make things right if I truly did mess something up. I strive for humility, but I also won’t let people step on me due to their subjective opinions.

That’s how I got over my fear of pleasing others, but what about my fear of disappointing myself? Over the last year, I’ve struggled with the need to have everything in control. I hardly ever have panic attacks anymore, but when I do, it’s usually when I feel like things have spiraled out of control––and then I cry because it seems like everything I worked for has shattered into pieces. After some careful reflection, I realized that, even though I trust God, I don’t fully trust him.

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Wisdom from Joel Osteen.

I remember working with one particular child as a swim lessons instructor this past semester. I asked this girl to jump into my arms from the side of the pool, and she said no. Eventually, I inched closer until I was almost right next to the wall, and then she jumped to me. I feel like I’m that little girl in relation to God. I know he’ll catch me, but I’m afraid of falling.

However, I now know I need to continue trusting him to have my back. Over the last two weeks as my life has become somewhat chaotic with switching departments at camp, I discovered that God brings good out of tough situations if we just trust him. Things have only improved since the switch, and I feel so much better after realizing that I needed to let God truly take his place as Lord of my life. When things start to fall out of place again, I understand that I can’t meticulously monitor my life. Instead, I must live life day-by-day and take joy in the present instead of reliving my past mistakes or worrying excessively about my future.

With this in mind, I thought of Proverbs 3:5-6.

5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 
6 in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. (NIV)
As I’ve faced this difficult situation, I’ve only relied on my own understanding: how could good people say things about me that aren’t true? What really is true about me? Do I even know myself? Why do I feel anxious when I lose control of my life? As I processed these questions with friends, I came to the conclusion that God will give me the wisdom necessary to make the correct decisions, and he will lead me where he wants me to go. He won’t abandon me, even when I try to control my life, and he will lead me along the right path if I stop becoming so anxious and keep his faithfulness in mind.

Even with this new insight, I know I might still have hard days, but my true friends and God show me grace. We cannot do everything we try to because we are not God. He is the one in control, and we accomplish things through his grace.

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Max Lucado is one of my favorite authors, and I completely agree with this quote.

God can make masterpieces out of our messes. People can either accept me or reject me, but I will stand firm in the identity God has given me.

A song for those who feel unworthy

Beloved by Jordan Feliz has always been one of my favorite songs, but I never really noticed how much the lyrics resonated with my soul until the last two weeks, when I dealt with a loss of self (depersonalization). Last year, I finally figured out who I was––apart from the lies others told me throughout my life––and now I’m walking that road again. Within the last month, I’ve been told that certain things about me were “true,” but then after praying to God about them and talking to close friends, I realized those were just more lies I believed.  How did I fall back into that trap?

I realized it’s hard to distinguish from truths and inaccuracies when people you trust tell you those things. Since you value their thoughts, you generally validate them subconsciously. However, all people have flaws: people misinterpret things, they make unfair judgments about you, and they often project thoughts and feelings onto you. In the psychology world, this is known as transference. This often happens when someone meets another person that reminds them of someone from their past. Psychology today defines this term as “an unconscious redirection of feelings from one person to another.”

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Transference generally refers to a patient/therapist relationship, but it also applies to everyday life.

Even if you’re a good person that hasn’t done anything wrong, chances are that someone will find something wrong with who you are. You’re too quiet for your own good. You can’t possibly succeed at “x job” because you have “x medical/physical condition” (for instance, I was told I cannot possibly excel as a lifeguard with an anxiety disorder, even though I lifeguarded previously at three different places and made saves within those jobs). You’re not pretty enough to do that. You’re too unintelligent to handle such complicated tasks. You work way too hard, so others are jealous of you and look for your flaws. Readers, I’m sure you have your own list of “false truths” you’ve believed throughout your own life.

That’s why I LOVE this song by Jordan Feliz. It accurately describes the way I’ve processed this difficult situation of conflict I’ve recently faced.

Here’s the first verse and chorus:

Head full of questions, how can you measure up?
To deserve affection, to ever be enough
For this existence
When did it get so hard?
Your heart is beating, alive and breathing
And there’s a reason why
You are essential, not accidental
And you should realize
You are beloved
I wanted you to know
You are beloved
Let it soak into your soul
Oh, forget the lies you heard
Rise above the hurt
And listen to these words
You are beloved
I want you to know
You are beloved
My head has been so full of questions this month:
  • Why do people feel the need to attack me just for working hard and being myself?
  • Why is my true self never good enough for some people?
  • Why do some people still hold my anxiety against me for occasional attacks, even though I constantly resource my CBT therapy exercises throughout the day?
  • Do my friends appreciate me for who I am, or do they also criticize me in their minds?
  • Is being “quieter” really a bad thing? If so, why did God make me so introverted?
  • Why am I experiencing so much pain over the unique personality God gave me?
  • Why does it seem like I’m never good enough or never do anything well enough for some people?
  • Why do I always try so hard and push my limits if some people will never care and only see what they want to see about me?
  • What really is true about me?
  • Am I loved?
  • Is it okay to have flaws, or do we have to work through them all?
  • Is it okay to be vulnerable with other people, or should I go back to my life of hiding my flaws so others can’t use them against me?
  • Am I allowed to stick up for myself when people tell me I should believe something about myself that isn’t true, or do I just cower in a corner and refrain from defending the identity God gave me?

I could list more, but that’s a general outline of all the thoughts I’ve had. Clearly, I live in my mind, and that’s probably why I’ve been emotionally exhausted lately. I sleep enough, and I’ve even made sure I’m eating enough lately, but I’ll sometimes still feel fatigued just from overthinking things all the time.

As the song also says, I’m wondering when things got so hard. Things became so much better over the last semester, and they were even great at the beginning of summer, but the hardships crept up during week two and didn’t stop. I feel like I’ve broken most of the bad habits God has had me work through over the last two years (e.g. overworking myself, not eating from stress, becoming anxious over loss of control), yet I feel like I’m being punished for something. However, my friend Kenny reminded me that God does not punish. Like a parent, he lets us go through hard stuff so we can learn lessons for ourselves, but he is not ultimately responsible for our suffering. If anything, have hope in that fact.

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Amen!

Next, you are alive! Even if others say you’re unworthy, you ARE worthy in God’s eyes! People don’t have the same understanding as God, so they don’t know what unique purpose he has given you. If you know what that purpose is, take confidence in it. Do not let mere, immortal humans say you cannot do what God has called you to. That’s what happened to Moses in Exodus––he kept saying that he wasn’t qualified. Don’t let others––even those you respect––tear you down. I have fought people over their false assumptions, and I will continue doing it for the Lord. You are essential, not accidental. 

Even if others don’t love you, chances are you have at least one friend or family member who does. Talk things over with that person, and ask them to help them remind you of who you are. Last week, I asked a friend to list things that were true about me, and I’m going to write that list down and hang it up on my wall soon so I don’t forget who I actually am.

Lastly, Jordan reminds us to forget those lies we heard and rise above the hurt. Over the last two weeks, I’ve cried a lot of tears––in front of supervisors, head staff members, friends, and over the phone with family. I’ve sobbed more in the last week that I probably have this entire year. I’m grieving the loss of my position as a camp lifeguard, but I know God prepared a safer environment for me as a hostess. In that environment, people have reminded me of what is true about me.

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This is so true.

One of my coworkers actually recently told me, “I love working with you because you’re always one step ahead of everyone else. We really appreciate you.” In my last job, it seemed like nobody ever saw my hard work, so I believed that maybe I wasn’t actually a good employee. However, I then realized that statement probably resulted from a misunderstanding.

Rise above the hurt. Take time to grieve and cry it out, but don’t put yourself down because of something others said if you know it isn’t true. Take everything with a grain of salt, and evaluate everything carefully. Perhaps there’s some truth in something a person told you, but learn to distinguish that from full truth. Learn important lessons, but also have good judgment. For instance, it’s possible that you made an honest mistake at your job. You’ll have something to learn for next time, but don’t let people tell you that you’re careless due to that one mistake. If you’re really a hard worker, take confidence in that fact.

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I am so printing this and putting it on my wall! This is so true.

I hope you all remember that you are beloved, even when others say you aren’t. Let that fact soak into your soul and enrich it. God handcrafted you, and he knows you better than any wise sage can. Make a list of what is true about you, and put it somewhere you can see––on your car dashboard, mirror, notebook, etc;. Don’t ever forget that you’re loved and beautiful in God’s eyes.